Feeling Misunderstood and Explaining Myself

Feeling Misunderstood and Explaining Myself

Actually, I think I’m almost completely done with trying to do so. Finally. Phew. It’s exhausting when you’ve spent your entire life feeling deeply misunderstood. I think feeling this is one of life’s most penetrating arrows and its resulting subsequent wounds.  At least it is for me.

Because of these feelings and a crazy cocktail of other issues, wounds and quirks, I’ve developed quite a resistance to the opinions of others. This hasn’t come easy nor cheap as I’ve shed a lot of tears and lost many a battle in trying to make myself understood by others - most often walking away from whatever situation feeling even more misunderstood than when I started…whatever the original issue was. It’s wearying, fatiguing, and deeply disheartening.

In recent years, and mostly as a result of the worldwide shut-down, I’ve found what I consider to be “my lane” and am SLOWLY learning to stay in it. Meaning: I have found my sweet spot in being a passionate truth-teller madly in love with the Truth Himself but not caring to a large degree what others think about me. I want TRUTH in my innermost being at any cost. Plus I want every soul on the planet to have at least had the opportunity to be introduced to my Precious, Amazing, Life-Giving, and WayMaker Messiah Yeshua before I go to spend my eternity with Him and the other passionate lovers of this Amazing God.

This place of not caring can ofttimes lead me to be smart-mouthed and snarky much too easily and quickly. The Holy Spirit and I are working on this. It’s slow going but I am seeing progress. It takes me much less time to arrive back at the fruits of the Holy Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, long-suffering, gentleness, faith, modesty, and self-control) that reflect more properly the redeeming work He is doing in and through me. 

The other part of “my lane” is to stop attempting to force others into my same lane as I so often have a tendency to do. My “lane” is to be a truth-teller and a truth seeker. Some, however, find these two things hard to do. I truly and definitively believe there is only ONE TRUTH that we can fully hang our hope, confidence, and faith upon - and that is the Holy Bible. But some build a club out of some portion of truth and use it to beat others up.  None of us here walking Planet Earth right now have the one true corner on all the difficult passages in the Bible. There needs to be humility and room for other views on these. We need to remain flexible lest we see the error of our ways, our thoughts, and our theologies when we stand before the BEMA seat of Judgement. I have to continually walk in the remembrance that Ru’ach Hokadesh is the One who guides us all in the Truth found in the Scriptures if we are followers of Messiah Yeshua. Not me. Once again, phew.

At first glance, this might sound either noble and good - or selfish and bad depending on your perspective and take on things. Perhaps I should care more or perhaps it inspires you to care less. I don’t know but I do know it’s not easy because I’m also DEEPLY empathetic! I do care very much about people and their hearts. I hate to see anyone hurting or in pain - especially at my hands.

Now that I’m walking in the full awareness of the world at war in which we are living, I’m finding myself having to truly guard my heart as we are told to do in Proverbs 4:23. In “normal times” we have to be very careful who we let into the deepest recesses and chambers of our hearts, our lives and our stories. We can love absolutely everyone but also be very diligent in who we allow this access to and/or give them that “power” over us in terms of their opinions and how we are affected by them. Broken people attract other broken people. It is good for all of us who are broken to gather together and heal our wounds as we commit ourselves to growing, healing, and seeking truth. But in times of war, we simply HAVE to be even more careful about who we let into our inner lives and circle. We can easily get continually taken out by enemy sniper fire through our broken allies and fellow warriors. We can, of course, still quickly move in to help assist and rescue others as the need arises. It is just that we are much more careful about who is close to our hearts. It’s a tricky and delicate balance but one that I’m quickly learning to achieve.

Being an empath, I attract a lot of broken and wounded souls into my life because I am also a walking wounded soul. I can relate to the pain that we share. Being a truth-teller, however, often causes some of these souls to self-select separation because I won’t tell them what they want to hear. Truth liberates and heals us and I want nothing less for my friends, but sometimes separation is inevitable because of this. It can be very hard, but healing takes many forms. Often, time and separation are effective tools.

Growing up in a Navy family that moved a lot, I struggled to learn the art of friendship that is required for healthy relationships that endure. Therefore, for many years, I considered the separation some chose as somehow my fault. Surely I have played a part at times, but I’ve landed in a place of not wanting to try as hard any longer and to be nicer to myself if (or when) separation comes. God deeply desires our healthy connections with those He places around us as far as it depends on us (Rom 12:18), but there are some wounds that are beyond my soul’s ability to bridge. Loving my own family well and faithfully has required more of me than my own strength or skill could reach at times. Thankfully this is where God’s GRACE comes in and saves the day - and my family! Thank you, Messiah Yeshua!

Also, I’m learning healthy boundaries and knowing what is “mine to own” in a relationship and what is not. Knowing who can be trusted with my heart and my brokenness and not hold it against me is a great gift from God. It’s still not an exact science but it is taking me a lot less time and emotional investment to know who is “safe” and who isn’t. I can and will still love everyone as deeply and as much as I’m able. But I’m much more careful about who I let into my inner circle now, not willing to allow my heart to be pulverized any longer - nor my "triggers" constantly set off. Yeshua and I have done too much long, hard and arduous work to allow our enemy or the poor choice of a confidant to step in and steal, kill and/or destroy all the ground we’ve taken in this area.

And at the end of the day, I’m still forever and blissfully yoked to my Redeemer, my Confidante, my Lover, my King, my Lord, my Savior, and my Best Friend. Each day brings yet another chance at “getting all of this right” as best I’m able and then asking for forgiveness for the many ways in which I’ve failed. Praise Yah that His mercies are new every morning. Lamentations 3:22-23